I NEVER TOUCHED YOU – comedy (5m 6f)


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© VICTOR M. SANT’ANNA – 2007

I NEVER TOUCHED YOU

(OR: WHAT THEY REALLY DO INSIDE WHEN WE WAIT OUTSIDE!)

Traduzido para o inglês por R & T CONSULTORIA E TRADUÇÕES (luis_retana@hotmail.com)

 

Characters:

Dr. Nadia

Mark

Dejanuts

Monica

Marilyn

Samantha

Jack

Dr. Victoria

Cleaner (Christine)

Victor

Professor

Scenes:

1. Nadia and Mark – “In love with my Psychologist

2.Mark and Dejanuts – “Déjà vu

3.Dejanuts and Monica – “What women do inside when we wait outside?

4. Nadia and Monica – “Conversation Interrupted

5.Dejanuts and Marilyn – “Stop sendingSpam to my E-mail

6.Dejanuts, Samantha and Jack – “In love with my Professor

7.Mark, Jack and Samantha – “ Annoying

8. Nadia, Monica and Dr. Victoria – “What women really do inside when we wait outside

9.Christine (Cleaner) and Mark – “Sex Fantasy

10.Victor, Professor, Cleaner, Mark and Dejanuts – “Group Therapy

11.Professor and Samantha – “I never touched you

1. NADIA AND MARK – “IN LOVE WITH MY PSYCHOLOGIST”

Mark walks out through Dr. Nadia´s office door which leads to the waiting room, while he talks with Dr. Nadia.

MARK

All right, doctor, I am a female psychologists addict. I am trying to cure myself, but it has been very difficult.

NADIA

That’s why you need to come here at four, to our support group session that we have every week…

MARK

But I don´t want a support group, I want a female psychologist!

NADIA

Are you looking for love with a psychologist? That´s part of the transition process.

MARK

No, no, no! It isn´t just curiosity or attraction. It´s passion!

NADIA

This is very interesting, if we had time, I would like to know how it started…

MARK

It started when I begun to consider psychologists very interesting! Like you!

NADIA

Psychologists interesting?

MARK

Look doctor, I didn´t want to say anything. But I am wonderful. We can be happy together!

NADIA

(ironic)

Yes, I know. I already had one of these cases like yours. But Victoria is the best to take care of it. Show up with the group, all right?

MARK

Look, if you continue ignoring me this will take longer than the time we have for today, you know?

NADIA

And we don´t have any time left. Excuse me. I am late. I have to stop by the bank before other commitments. If you want, call and schedule an appointment with Dr. Victoria.

MARK

I just want to clarify some points!

NADIA

There is nothing to clarify.

You didn´t understand anything!

NADIA

(Trying to get rid of him, she closes the door slowly)

Excuse me, I have…

MARK

I am truly in love with you. Is it really so hard to understand?

NADIA

(Annoyed)

Maybe some other day, all right. Our time is over.

Dr. Nadia closes the door and leaves Mark alone in the waiting room.

2.MARK AND DEJANUTS – “DÉJÀ VU”

Mark is standing in front of the door and he is in the waiting room of the medical center when he finds Dejanuts. He is entering apparently waiting to be attended. They both recognize themselves (or they think they do).

DEJANUTS

Hi, dude!

MARK

Hi, dude!

They both get closer and hug each other.

DEJANUTS

My mighty friend!

MARK

My mighty!

DEJANUTS

God! Long time, huh!

MARK

It’s true!

DEJANUTS

Man, I miss those times!

MARK

It´s true! Those times!

DEJANUTS

Excuse me dude, but…What´s your name?

MARK

Did you forget my name? How come you forgot my name?

DEJANUTS

I don´t know, I had a blackout. Excuse me. But it happens, you know?

MARK

All right, but only for this time! I did forget your name too! We have a brain like a sieve these days, huh?

DEJANUTS

God! Tell me about it… I forget things all the time!

MARK

That´s funny, it happens to me all the time too…

DEJANUTS

And that´s why you are here?

MARK

(He doesn´t understand and repeats the question)

“And that´s why you are here…”?

DEJANUTS

Here, at the medical center…Lack of memory?

MARK

Oh, no! Are you kidding me? I don´t need help for that. It´s not that bad! What about you?

DEJANUTS

It is not so bad either. I mean, maybe it is, you know, but I am here for another reason.

MARK

Business?

DEJANUTS

Not at all… I am here just for a date.

MARK

A date?

DEJANUTS

(Changing the subject)

But tell me: how are things going?

MARK

You don´t want to know. I just happen to be rejected by a psychologist!

DEJANUTS

A Psychologist?

MARK

Yes… I was flirting with her… Well, it´s better to stop here.

DEJANUTS

A Psychologist…!

MARK

Don´t take it to seriously… It´s not important…

DEJANUTS

A Psychologist! I know…

MARK

It´s funny… now I felt something… You know when we have the impression that something already happened?

DEJANUTS

Right! It happens to everybody! It´s a very common thing!

MARK

How do people call it?

DEJANUTS

You mean the name of it or what?

MARK

Yeah, when we think that something is happening again.

DEJANUTS

Huh! I know… It is a very unusual name. I don´t remember now.

MARK

I know the name. It´s in the tip of my tongue. But I am not remembering either. Which word it was?

DEJANUTS

I know… I´m remembering… It´s like an ugly name…

MARK

Which word it was? Dojo? Dijon? Jamboree?

DEJANUTS

It´s funny, you know, I also have the impression that I already had this conversation!

MARK

No, no you didn´t!

DEJANUTS

I´m almost sure! I´m even remembering that you are about to remember what you haven´t been able to remember!

MARK

Are you sure? It´s crazy!

DEJANUTS

Let me remember what happens… I start to whisper syllables!

MARK

Syllables, what syllables?

DEJANUTS

The syllables of a word.

MARK

Of course it is of a word, but… What word?

DEJANUTS

De…

MARK

 “De”?

DEJANUTS

“De”… “Já”…

MARK

Dejamboree! Of course! Now I remembered!

DEJANUTS

“Dejamboree”? Don´t be ridiculous! It´s déjà vu…

MARK

Déjà vu? What a horrible name! I didn´t remember that your name was so ugly!

DEJANUTS

My name is Dejanuts, gee! Déjà vu is what you wanted to remember but you couldn´t!

MARK

“Déjà vu”? Which “déjà vu”?

(Suddenly remembers)

“Déjà ve”! Of course! I remembered! “Déjà ve”!

DEJANUTS

But it isn´t “déjà ve” is “déjà vu”

MARK

“Déjà ve”… “Déjà vu” is how we should write it, but we should pronounce “déjà ve”. ¡It´s French!

DEJANUTS

But how come the French would pronounce it wrong?

MARK

Whatever, it´s that way and period!

DEJANUTS

Maybe the French are like Portuguese!

MARK

Portuguese? What joke is this?

DEJANUTS

Oh, but you can´t deny that Portuguese pronounce everything wrong? When they pronounce “a” they say “ah”, when they pronounce “e”, they say “eh” and when they pronounce “i” they say “e”. Just imagine it´s crazy.

MARK

Oh, what is this? It´s silly… Everyone speaks the way they want!

DEJANUTS

I´ll show you something, hit me in my stomach.

MARK

What did you say…? Are you a masochist?

DEJANUTS

It´s just an example, hit me here, do it…

MARK

I´m not going to hit you, go away!

DEJANUTS

Then I hit you instead!

MARK

Ouch!

DEJANUTS

Did you see? If you were Portuguese you would have to say “I”?

MARK

I?

DEJANUTS

Yeah. “Ouch” means “I”.

MARK

Ok, I got it. But did you have to hit me?

DEJANUTS

You deserved it. You weren´t understanding anything! Changing the subject: I have to wait for Marilyn, excuse me, but is it possible for you to go away?

MARK

Go away?

DEJANUTS

Yeah, to disappear, to vanish, to get lost.

MARK

Right, I got it… Marilyn…?

DEJANUTS

She is my colleague but she is not interested in me. I am going to have a chat with her.

MARK

Here?

DEJANUTS

Yeah, here. Why? What´s the problem?

MARK

Well, here is not the best place to talk and ask someone out! It has to be a place, you know…more romantic. That´s why she is not interested in you.

DEJANUTS

And do you know by chance how to ask girls out? You were just rejected by the psychologist!

MARK

Ok, I understood… I´m leaving. But it is “déjà ve”, ok!

3.DEJANUTS AND MONICA – “WHAT WOMEN DO INSIDE WHEN WE WAIT OUTSIDE?”

Monica enters and Mark goes out. But he keeps staring at her with a “stupid face” while she passes by. Mark goes out.

MONICA

(Says hello to Mark and lightly nodded).

DEJANUTS

(Responds to the greeting)

MONICA

(She grabs a magazine from the pile).

DEJANUTS

(He stands up, walks around a little, then grabs a magazine and sits).

MONICA

(Looks at the clock and keeps reading the magazine)

DEJANUTS

It´s hot in here, isn´t it? This air conditioning is not very good.

MONICA

(Responds kindly)

Yeah, it has been very hot these days…

DEJANUTS

(Looks at Monica in a persistent way)

We live in a tropical country. You should wear less clothes!

MONICA

(Tries to fix her clothes, as she was trying to hide her body)

DEJANUTS

(Looks at the clock)

At what time it is your appointment?

MONICA

(Without being nice)

At 3:30.

DEJANUTS

In the afternoon?

(Laughs of his own joke)

MONICA

(Smiles kindly and keeps reading the magazine)

DEJANUTS

(Looks at his watch, and puts it closer to his ear)

I think that my watch is ahead of time, almost four hours.

Several seconds pass in this waiting scene.

DEJANUTS

I am going to the hall to get some water. Would you like me to bring a cup for you?

MONICA

No, thank you.

DEJANUTS

(Making a not so funny joke)

I can bring the cup with water!

MONICA

(Smiles kindly)

Dejanuts stands up and goes until the exit door of the waiting room, steps out, but leaves his head inside.

DEJANUTS

I´m coming back soon! You don´t need to feel lonely!

(Makes a forced smile)

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Dejanuts leaves the waiting room. Several seconds pass by.

MONICA

(Talking alone)

The problem of working at a medical psychology center is to deal with a lot of madman…

Dejanuts comes back in time to hear the last comment.

DEJANUTS

What did you say? I didn´t understand!

MONICA

It was nothing, forget it. I was talking alone.

DEJANUTS

Huh! Are you used to talk alone? Do you also hear voices?

MONICA

(Laughing)

No, I don´t hear voices…

DEJANUTS

You don´t need to be ashamed. It´s pretty usual these days… Stress… Everyone hear voices!

Monica ignores these comments and starts to read other magazine.

DEJANUTS

Those magazines are very good… There is one over there about people who hear voices.

MONICA

(A little irritated)

I don´t hear voices, don´t worry. I came here for an interview.

DEJANUTS

Oh, it´s true…

(He waits a few seconds)

I came back because I found a friend at the drinking fountain and I thought it was better not to talk with him. He is very annoying!

MONICA

(Low speaking)

It must be contagious…

DEJANUTS

Do you know the correct way to pronounce “déjà ve” or “déjà vu”?

MONICA

(Takes a quick look at Dejanuts and just shakes her head saying no)

Dejanuts grabs a magazine to read, but he is not able to focus and he stays talking alone.

DEJANUTS

This guy is an idiot. He was flirting with the cleaner in the middle of the hall!

(Looks at the magazine, looks at the cover)

“Psychology Today”… Funny…

MONICA

(She pretends to be very focused in her reading)

DEJANUTS

The name of this magazine is “Psychology Today”. But this magazine was issued in 2004!

MONICA

(Smiles kindly)

DEJANUTS

You know, I´m not here for an appointment. I´m waiting for a colleague. I´m going to ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend.

MONICA

(Speaks looking to other side, trying not to laugh)

Poor thing!

DEJANUTS

(Thinking aloud)

She lives “Where Judas lost his boots”.

Monica tries not to laugh.

DEJANUTS

(Talking alone)

Why do they say “There, where Judas lost his boots?” *

[* “in the boondocks”, “East Jesus” – in the middle of nowhere]

Monica keeps trying hard not to pay attention of Dejanuts comments.

DEJANUTS

Judas… Boots… It doesn´t make sense, right? The things they come up with…

MONICA

(Tries to hide her laugh)

Yeah.

DEJANUTS

(Looks at his watch)

Your therapist stood you up… She is late… Or my watch is broken.

MONICA

(Keeps staring at Dejanuts, with signs of shame, then looks at her watch)

It´s true… She is late.

DEJANUTS

I´m always wondering: what do psychologists do inside…?

MONICA

(She doesn´t understand this comment)

What do they do inside?

DEJANUTS

While people wait out here… What do they do inside? Would they “cheat” on us?

(He keeps laughing of his own imagination)

Have you imagined? They could be making out… The biggest orgy, you know…

MONICA

(Unfriendly)

How would they “cheat” on us when they are alone inside?

Dejanuts keeps wondering and Monica continues reading the magazine.

DEJANUTS

(Looking for an answer)

Internet?

Both stay quiet for a few seconds with an unfriendly atmosphere between them.

DEJANUTS

You are not used to talk a lot, are you?

MONICA

I just talk when I´m working.

DEJANUTS

What is your occupation?

MONICA

I am psychologist.

DEJANUTS

(Realizing he screwed up)

I think I´m going to drink some water!

Dejanuts rushes to the hall.

4. NADIA AND MONICA – “CONVERSATION INTERRUPTED”

Dr. Nadia comes out through her office door like she was in a hurry and notices Monica in the waiting room.

MONICA

(Leaves the magazine)

Hi…

Dr. Nadia locks with a key the door between the waiting room and her office.

NADIA

(She is talking while closing the door)

Dr. Victoria just call saying she will have to postpone all her today’s appointments. Are you a patient of her?

MONICA

I am Monica…

Dr. Nadia just closed the door.

DR NADIA

Monica, of course! We did talk a lot on the phone…

MONICA

Should I come back some other day?

NADIA

(Examines Monica better, with great interest)

Up to me everything is all right, we can start splitting the office like we agreed… Did you come here to agree something with Victoria?

MONICA

(Verifies if nobody is listening)

The other thing we agreed…

NADIA

(Different look)

Oh, for sure… Well, I have to leave now, but I will come back soon… Victoria and I have a meeting today… We can do that… Later? Today?

MONICA

(She approaches to Dr. Nadia with sensuality)

For sure, I am looking forward as much as you do…

They are interrupted by Dejanuts and they stay with an awkward feeling.

DEJANUTS

Hey, excuse me, I…

NADIA

(Trying to regain her composure)

Would you like to schedule an appointment with me?

DEJANUTS

No…

NADIA

(Assuming that Dejanuts is a patient of her office colleague)

Dr. Victoria has postponed all her today’s appointments. She didn´t call you?

DEJANUTS

(He doesn´t understand very well the question)

No, Dr. Victoria didn´t call me…

MONICA

(Talking to Dr. Nadia)

Look, I´m leaving right now. But I will come back later, all right?

DEJANUTS

(Talking alone)

I don´t even know who is Dr. Victoria…

NADIA

(Focused on her conversation with Monica)

Around four or four thirty?

MONICA

Done!

Monica leaves.

NADIA

I have to close my office, but if it´s important…

DEJANUTS

It´s very important.

NADIA

If you are going to be waiting here, Dr. Victoria won´t delay more than 20 minutes. I can leave the waiting room open.

DEJANUTS

Oh, it´s very very important!

NADIA

All right, I have to leave now.

Dr. Nadia leaves in a rush.

5.DEJANUTS AND MARILYN – “STOP SENDING SPAM TO MY E-MAIL”

As soon as the women leave, Dejanuts tries to enter through the door but it´s locked.

DEJANUTS

Why do they lock everything? It is because they don´t trust their patients?

Dejanuts walks inside the waiting room.

DEJANUTS

Well, there are only crazy patients here. They really have to lock everything.

Dejanuts sits and grabs a magazine. Marilyn enters in a hurry. Dejanuts stands up with one jump.

DEJANUTS

Marilyn! I knew you were coming!

MARILYN

I wasn´t coming. But I though it´s better to solve this situation.

DEJANUTS

You know what I was thinking while you were away. Only you will understand. I believe I solved the mystery! I have discovered how “Judas lost his boots”!

MARILYN

Dejanuts, have you gone crazy? And do you think here is the right place to meet me?

DEJANUTS

Wait, let me explain you: people always say: “where Judas lost his boots” meaning a distant place. So I kept thinking, thinking… It only could be the seven league boots! Then, the puss in boots stole the boots! Judas was stolen, poor thing!

MARILYN

Dejanuts, I don´t want to listen your silly ideas anymore! Your jokes aren´t funny and I don´t want to hear my boss asking about us anymore! Please don´t go to my office never again!

DEJANUTS

But Marilyn, I love you!

MARILYN

You love me? Are you nuts? I just came here to tell you that I can´t take it anymore! I want to leave everything clear!

DEJANUTS

To leave everything clear?

MARILYN

I don´t like you. I don´t want you to see me anymore. And if you keep trying, I will sue you, got it?

DEJANUTS

But our love is so nice! How can you talk like this about our relationship?

MARILYN

Listen to me! We don´t have a relationship! We never had! Saying “hi” to a maintenance guy is not a relationship!

DEJANUTS

I don´t work for maintenance department¡ I work for correspondence department!

MARILYN

It doesn´t matter! And stop sending “spam” to my e-mail! I don´t want to receive anything from you, don´t you get it?

DEJANUTS

(Sad)

I get it. You don´t need to yell at me.

MARILYN

(A bit more calm)

Don´t take me wrong. I just wanted to be nice. But I never liked you. It was just a misunderstanding.

DEJANUTS

(Conformed)

Ok. Don´t worry. I won´t bother you anymore. I promise. Can we be friends and have lunch together?

MARILYN

Excuse me, Dejanuts. Don´t get me wrong, but we can´t be friends. I just came here to let this clear. I´m leaving. I got out of the office in the middle of a hard day of work. Bye.

Marilyn leaves, in a hurry.

DEJANUTS

(He answers only after she is gone)

Bye…

Dejanuts sits again and grabs a magazine. Lays his face over the magazine and starts to cry. He stays like this a few seconds. He raises his head, with tears in his eyes.

DEJANUTS

(Looking for something around)

What kind of medical center is this where it doesn´t have tissues in the waiting room?

He stands up, tries to open the office door, he gives up and goes back to a place near to the corner.

6.DEJANUTS, SAMANTHA AND JACK – “IN LOVE WITH MY PROFESSOR”

Samantha and Jack enter to the medical center together.

SAMANTHA

…And this guy didn´t stop staring at me!

JACK

An idiot! Cute, but idiot!

SAMANTHA

And what happened with this “déjà vu” story?

JACK

And did you see that before we got here, he was “hitting on” the cleaner?

SAMANTHA

This guy is such a jerk! He did try to hit on me in front of you!

JACK

Maybe he sensed that I… You know, right?

SAMANTHA

It doesn´t matter, does it? Lack of respect. I was with somebody and he was hitting on the cleaner…

They both sit and keep talking.

SAMANTHA

Do you think this is the right place?

JACK

It is. I just don´t know her, Dr. Victoria I believe…

SAMATHA

It is a strange name, isn´t it?

JACK

Do you see that guy at the hall? He reminds me our colleague who was in love with you and he wouldn´t leave you in peace, remember?

SAMANTHA

Don´t even talk about it. What a loser! He is still giving me headaches! It´s been two months since I explained that I don´t want to have anything with him, but he still insists! Yesterday I went to open my e-mail and I had 10 messages from him!

Dejanuts looked towards both of them when he heard this comment. They both perceive that Dejanuts is still very sad and sniffing. And they keep talking about him.

JACK

(He whispers to Samantha)

What happened to him?

SAMANTHA

Quiet! Don´t bother him!

DEJANUTS

(He is listening)

Don´t worry about me. I´m going to be all right… Love issues.

JACK

I understand it happens to all of us…

SAMANTHA

(She tries to support him)

Jack falls in love with somebody every week. I guarantee it´s silly. You will get over it soon! You don´t need to be sad.

JACK

(He looks to Samantha)

It´s me who falls in love, right?

SAMANTHA

Did you come here for a medical appointment?

DEJANUTS

No, I´m about to leave. I heard Dr. Victoria is about to get here. I heard you were talking about her. But from what I know, she cancelled all her appointments for today.

Dejanuts stands up, still very sad.

DEJANUTS

I think I´m leaving.

JACK

¡Get well soon!

Dejanuts stands up and walks towards the door. He finds Mark who is entering.

MARK

It already happened today! “Déjà ve”!

DEJANUTS

It´s “déjà vu”! I´m leaving, bye!

Dejanuts leaves

7. MARK, JACK AND SAMANTHA – “MR ANNOYING”

SAMANTHA

(She whispers)

Oh, no!

JACK

(He whispers too)

If he tries to hit on you I go away!

MARK

Hi, beautiful girl… Did you miss me?

SAMANTHA

You don´t have shame of yourself, do you?

MARK

Don´t be like that! When we get to know each other better, you will see that I am a great person!

JACK

I know…

MARK

Especially in bed!

SAMANTHA

Oh, disgusting!

JACK

We are leaving, excuse us!

Mark goes to the door of the office and knocks the door lightly a couple of times. He waits for an answer. Jack stands up and pulls Samantha, and she resists a little.

SAMANTHA

Wait, we have an appointment for today.

JACK

(He whispers, but not so much)

I won´t stay here close to this jerk! And remember the other guy said that Dr. Victoria cancelled all her appointments!

MARK

You don´t need to leave. I´m leaving soon. I just came here to see if Dr. Victoria was already here. I´m waiting for her. You know how it is. If it´s not with her, it will be with someone else!

(He makes an obscene move with his waist)

Mark walks until the door and stops before going out, to tell something to Samantha.

MARK

You don´t know what you are missing, girl!

Mark leaves.

JACK

God! What was that all about? Clinic for mentally retarded?

SAMANTHA

I didn´t want to come. But now already with an appointment, I will wait. This guy could be wrong.

JACK

Oh, the problem with women today: passion, passion and passion! After one passion comes the next one, Samantha! Stop being a poor thing!

SAMANTHA

You know that it´s not easy. It´s not a simple passion… He was my professor… I didn´t want anything more. He was there the entire semester, close to me and now he is not going to be my professor anymore…. I just wanted one kiss or one hug! But I couldn´t, I was scared to death. I was nervous! The last day I even got closer and said to him “Well done professor, I loved your classes, I wanted to say goodbye”…

JACK

I know, you don´t need to explain me. I was there, remember? It was pathetic! Why didn´t you make a move to kiss him? What could he do?

SAMANTHA

It is very easy to say. But you spend all the time in love and what do you do?

JACK

But love for the same sex is way harder my friend… I can guarantee you that. It´s not the same thing. Which man would resist a hug or a kiss from you?

SAMANTHA

Oh, and the guts I need to do so?

JACK

You need to have guts when you like someone from the same sex. What is the problem when you like someone from the other sex? What could go wrong?

SAMANTHA

He could get angry with me. I don´t know. I don´t know. I don´t know. I didn´t get to touch his hand…

JACK

At least you took my advice and came here. You will see how good it is… Passion it´s silly, it passes by quickly! But you did spend all these months very depressed! You need to move on with your life! Forget him!

SAMANTHA

I am not able to forget him. It is very hard.

JACK

Yeah, it is…

Jack and Samantha stop talking for a while.

JACK

What time is it?

SAMANTHA

Almost four, I guess.

JACK

I had to go to the bank! Do you think I still have time to get there?

SAMANTHA

I´m not going to stay here alone! What if that disgusting guy comes back and tries to hug me?

JACK

Come on, come with me. We have time. We were going to wait a lot of time. We got here early!

SAMANTHA

All right, alone, here, I won´t stay at all…

Both go out.

8. NADIA, MONICA AND DR. VICTORIA – “WHAT WOMEN REALLY DO INSIDE WHILE WE WAIT OUTSIDE”

Author´s notice: This scene was originally written to end with the 3 psychologists entering their office and was meant to be the last piece. If you find interesting the original proposal, feel free to move this scene to the end. Otherwise, the part of “sounds and yelling” must stay, because it was added to give an idea of the passage of time.

Dr. Victoria arrives to the waiting room, gets inside with a bunch of keys in her hand. She organizes the waiting room, setting the table, chairs and magazines in a better way before opening her office and getting inside of it. She wears a long garment that can be taken away easily like a “medical gown” or something similar. As soon as she enters inside the waiting room, Monica enters too and Dr. Nadia as well. They are talking as if they would have found each other at the hall by accident.

DR NADIA

…Oh! How I missed my college peers!

MONICA

I was a student of Professor Mary. Did you have classes with her?

DR NADIA

Oh, yes! For me she was the best professor I ever had in my life!

MONICA

Such a shame that we never were in the same class together!

DR NADIA

When did you graduate? I don´t remember seeing you at the college…

MONICA

I had to do this work while I was finishing college. I didn´t spend a lot of time at the halls.

NADIA

(Begins to take off her clothes)

What a shame, we could have been very close friends…

Monica gets closer with sensuality and begins to help Dr. Nadia to take off her clothes. Dr. Nadia begins to take off Monica´s clothes.

MONICA

But now we can make up for the time we lost…

Both continue to take off their clothes one from the other, even though they are not naked, they wear very sexy and provocative clothes under the clothes they already took off. They begin to hug and kiss their hands, arms and then their neck one to the other. The door of the waiting room opens suddenly.

VICTORIA

What is going on? What are you doing here at the waiting room?

Dr. Nadia and Monica stop immediately what they are doing.

VICTORIA

Why did you begin without me, you bitches?

Dr. Victoria takes off her clothes and she is dressed with provocative black leather clothes. She has a whip in her hand. Nobody could see it until now. She wears clothes typical of sadomasochistic practices.

VICTORIA

(She cracks the whip)

On four legs, now! Kiss my hand!

NADIA AND MONICA

Yes, Dominatrix!

Dr. Nadia and Monica get closer and stay on four legs in front of Dr. Victoria, licking and kissing her hand.

VICTORIA

(Still cracking the whip)

Not here, you bitches, go inside! A patient could get here by mistake!

They both go inside their office. Dr. Victoria goes inside after them and closes the door.

Author´s notice: If this is the final scene, the piece ends here. If this scene was placed in the middle of the piece the scene continues in the following way: the stage gets darker, red flashing lights begin to spin around the stage, noises of whips and moans are listened, each time louder and faster, until they become orgasm moans.

As soon as they finish, suddenly, the three come out from inside, totally dressed, like if nothing happened. They close their office door with a key. Then they go out through the waiting room´s door. One of them stretches her arm to turn off the light. The light turns off and the door closes.

9.CHRISTINE (CLEANER) AND MARK – “SEX FANTASY”

Everything remains silent and dark for a few seconds until the sound of a key passing through the door lock is heard. The door opens slowly. A hand looks for the light switch. Turns on the light and a cleaner enters the room. Christine is loaded with cleaning tools such: a broom, a mop and a bucket.

Christine walks loaded with tools until the door of the waiting room entrance. She leaves everything on the floor. Knocks the door a few times just to make sure there is nobody inside.

CHRISTINE

¡Cleaning! Is anybody in there?

She knocks the door a few times again. She waits a few seconds. She puts the key in the door lock, opens the door, and spies in. She carries a few tools inside the office (the broom, mainly) while Mark opens the hall´s door of the waiting room and enters slowly.

MARK

Is everything clean?

CHRISTINE

Not yet, I just got here!

MARK

No, I mean: Is anybody in there?

CHRISTINE

No! Everything is all right. It is going to be closed for the rest of the day, didn´t I tell you? When they are not coming back, they leave a note for us at the message board to do the cleaning…

MARK

Oh, very good!

Mark runs towards Christine and hugs her from behind. He places his arms around her waist and kisses her neck.

CHRISTINE

(Trying step aside)

Slow down please, first let´s close the door!

MARK

(He keeps trying to hug Christine)

Don´t worry! Nobody is going to come here.

CHRISTINE

(She interrupts the hugs)

We have to go in there. I don´t want to lose my job!

MARK

Wait here, let´s grab a few magazines.

CHRISTINE

What an odd time to read!

MARK

No, it´s not, you fool!

Mark goes towards the pile of magazines and chooses a few. Then he grabs one or two.

MARK

Do you remember our plan?

CHRISTINE

Yeah, I have to pretend that I am a “Nut House doctor” like the two women that work here.

MARK

Yeah, a “psychologist”!

CHRISTINE

I can´t say this word without twisting my tongue. Why I can´t be the cleaner?

MARK

No! Take this, read what is on the cover to me! Pretend that I am your patient. Tell me something like this: “You have an obsessive compulsive disorder”!

CHRISTINE

(She is with the magazine on her hands and tries to read the cover)

This is not going to work out…

MARK

Say something to me. Say that I have a symptom and that I can only be cured with sexual treatment!

CHRISTINE

(Looking at the magazine, reads the cover)

You have an obse… ssive… compul… sive… dis… order…

MARK

(Acting like he was turned on)

Oh! Yeah! Tell me more, read the cover and tell me what I have!

CHRISTINE

You have… Anxiety…?

MARK

(He gets very horny)

Oh! Tell me more, don´t stop!

CHRISTINE

(Keeps reading, earning confidence)

You have a learning disorder!

MARK

(Hugs Christine from behind again)

More! More!

CHRISTINE

You have a psychological desire!

Mark let go Christine and grabs the magazine from her hand, and throws it away.

MARK

Leave it, forget it, and just repeat this: “come here for your treatment, my mentally retarded patient”

CHRISTINE

(Obeys, with more sexuality)

Come here for your treatment, my mentally retarded patient…!

MARK

It´s today! Finally I will receive my complete treatment!

Christine begins to walk towards the office door, in a sexy way, beginning to take off parts of her cleaner uniform. And Mark follows her unbuttoning her shirt. They both enter inside the office and close the door.

Author´s notice: the scene continues with the same light and sound effects of the scene “WHAT WOMEN REALLY DO INSIDE WHEN WE WAIT OUTSIDE”

The stage gets darker, red flashing lights begin to spin around the stage, noises of whips and moans are listened, each time louder and faster, until they become orgasm moans. As soon as this happens, lights and sound come back to normal.

10. VICTOR, PROFESSOR, CLEANER, MARK AND DEJANUTS – “GROUP THERAPY”

Victor enters the waiting room and sits. Christine is spying through the door ajar. Victor grabs a magazine to read. The professor enters the waiting room immediately. They both greet themselves politely and quietly. The professor also tries to find a magazine to read. A few moments after, Mark and Christine come out from the office.

MARK

(Pretending that he is a patient, talks to Christine)

Thank you very much, doctor!

CHRISTINE

(She doesn´t understand very well, but answers)

My pleasure!

VICTOR

Hi, I am Victor. I am here to attend the support group meetings… They recommended Dr. Victoria to me. I don´t know if the name is correct…

PROFESSOR

I am also here to attend the support group meetings… Are you Dr. Victoria?

CHRISTINE

(She is happy because they thought she is a psychologist)

Me?

MARK

Yes, she is! I am also in the group therapy. I just had my individual therapy session…

VICTOR

It is about time, the session was scheduled to begin at 4 and now it is 15 minutes past 4.

MARK

Well, let´s begin now. Each one has to say his name, what he came to do here and that’s it!

PROFESSOR

Here at the waiting room?

MARK

The size of the office is not enough and the air conditioning is not working very well, you know… Am I correct, doctor?

CHRISTINE

Yes?

MARK

Let´s sit and begin. Who is going to begin first?

Everybody sits and gets ready. Christine is the last to sit. She tries to sit over Mark´s legs. But Mark pushes her to sit in another chair.

VICTOR

Well, I… I can begin… My name is Victor… I have problems with my housekeeper…

MARK

Oh, what an unfunny problem… What about you? What is your problem?

Mark looks towards the professor.

PROFESSOR

I am a professor… And I am involved, well, in love with one of my students…

MARK

And…?

PROFESSOR

That´s it.

MARK

But personal life of professors may concern only to each one of them! That´s it? I think you can leave now! You are cured! Bye!

PROFESSOR

That´s it? I thought I should talk more.

MARK

Are you having a problem with this?

PROFESSOR

No, not at all…

CHRISTINE

Are you married or have a relationship with someone?

PROFESSOR

I just date with some friends a few times a week. But I am not in a relationship.

MARK

Is she pretty?

PROFESSOR

Yeah, she is cute.

MARK

She is… young?

PROFESSOR

She is younger than me.

CHRISTINE

Way younger?

PROFESSOR

What difference does it make?

VICTOR

(Interrupting)

If it´s enough, it can take you to jail…

PROFESSOR

(Talking to Mark)

And what brought you here?

MARK

(He thinks a little)

Psychologists!

VICTOR

Are you in love with a psychologist?

MARK

With many!

PROFESSOR

With many?

MARK

Well, I mean “very”.

CHRISTINE

Well, I think I have to leave now…

VICTOR

Are you leaving? And what about our group?

MARK

She had a few problems. She wasn´t supposed to be here with the group today.

VICTOR

But I haven´t talk about my housekeeper yet.

MARK

Then talk! Is she tasty?

VICTOR

(A little ashamed with Mark)

I don´t like to talk about her in this way! I´m very in love with her!

CHRISTINE

(She feels somehow offended)

But what´s the problem? Your housekeeper is a woman too! What is the problem with being called tasty?

VICTOR

But she is married… And me too! I am dying for her. I am not able to forget her. I think about her all the time!

CHRISTINE

My God! You are crazy!

MARK

There is nothing wrong about this, but is good to have discretion.

VICTOR

Discretion?

MARK

Yeah… To avoid being caught by your wife, right? I know a place…

PROFESSOR

That´s why I´m here, too! Everybody is telling me to have discretion with my student… Then I keep thinking: If I need to have discretion then I must be doing something wrong or dirty!

MARK

Tell the truth. You are having an affair, aren´t you?

PROFESSOR

There is nothing going on. I just can´t stop thinking about her.

CHRISTINE

What do you feel for her?

PROFESSOR

When she was my student, I used to admire the bright of her eyes. I think I could stay there, staring, for days and days to her lovely eyes.

CHRISTINE

Oh! He must be gay!

MARK

But why didn´t you make a move on her?

PROFESSOR

Are you crazy? I could lose my job!

MARK

You couldn´t lose it. Maybe she also wanted! You have no idea how women are!

VICTOR

Give him a break, stop your dirty thoughts, my friend!

MARK

Tell the truth. Between us: Are you sure nothing happened? Didn´t you try to touch her?

PROFESSOR

(He is getting annoyed)

Of course not! Nothing! Not even a goodbye hug!

VICTOR

It could be sexual siege, and you could end in jail!

MARK

Marriage is worse!

CHRISTINE

Well, nice talk, but I have to get back to work!

VICTOR

But you didn´t lay with us for more than 5 minutes!

CHRISTINE

Yes I just got laid!

MARK

(Trying to fix it)

She wanted to say that this is the very first session and it´s only for 5 minutes. Just to know each other.Next week we will have a complete session with the other Dr. Victoria.

PROFESSOR

Other? What a coincidence!

MARK

But the good news is that the first one is for free!

CHRISTINE

Free? Remember our deal, sly dog?

MARK

That was another deal, Christine…

VICTOR

Your name is Christine?

MARK

No, I made a mistake, Christine is… is… is the name of my housekeeper!

VICTOR

What a coincidence! My housekeeper has a sister who works at this building as a cleaner… And her name is Christine!

CHRISTINE

So it is you who wants to have sex with my sister, sly dog!

VICTOR

(He doesn´t understand)

What was that all about?

MARK

No it was nothing. I guess she is in a transference process! She is pretending that she is the sister of your housekeeper to tempt… To tempt…

VICTOR

To tempt…?

MARK

I forget completely what I was going to say! Oh, those technical terms! Is there a magazine that explains all those things?

Dejanuts enters through the door.

DEJANUTS

Hey, am I interrupting anything? I´m here for the group therapy!

MARK

Dejanuts? Again?

DEJANUTS

Some guys down here asked me: why I was in a bad mood? And when I told them my story, they recommended me to come here for a meeting. It´s a meeting for people who have an uncommon passion disorder or something like that.

PROFESSOR

For people who love way too much.

MARK

Yeah, it´s true… But it is finished for today. You are late, what a shame!

DEJANUTS

It´s over? Huh… It´s funny, they told me it begins at 4…

(He checks his watch, then puts it close to his ear and shakes it)

This watch is crazy again!

MARK

Dr. Victoria, the lady was leaving, remember?

Christine is not paying attention. Mark gets closer to her and hits her with the elbow and suddenly asks her.

MARK

Dr. Victoria, the lady was leaving, remember?

CHRISTINE

All right. But where is my money?

MARK

(He takes out some cash from his pockets)

Here it is.

Victor and the Professor see that Mark is paying her and they take out some cash from their pockets and pay her. Mark looks at his watch worried with the time.

CHRISTINE

(Thinking that they want sex)

Are you going to pay me too? I don´t want your money. I just do it for love and with someone I like.

Mark runs out of patience, takes the money and puts it in Christine´s hands.

MARK

You don´t need to do anything, you are late!

CHRISTINE

All right, but you don´t need to push me!

MARK

(He is forcing Christine to leave)

Bye Dr. Victoria… Your colleague must be arriving here at any minute. Let´s hurry up!

CHRISTINE

Men are always like this. After they get what they want, they treat people like a cleaner.

Christine opens the office door to grab her cleaning tools that she left inside. She locks the door and walks towards the exit door.

PROFESSOR

Why do you need this broom for?

CHRISTINE

Oh, it´s because…

MARK

(Forcing a joke)

She is specialist in cleaning mind disorders, Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

They smile politely.

MARK

(Trying to explain)

The cleaner forgot it inside the office. She will return it…

DEJANUTS

(Stops the cleaner)

Do I know you? Didn´t I see you at the hall before?

MARK

Dejanuts, you have memory issues, remember?

DEJANUTS

I don´t remember!

MARK

You see? What I just said? You don´t remember!

CHRISTINE

Excuse me, I have to leave now…

Christine leaves.

VICTOR

I´m leaving too because the meeting is over. I will get back home early. Goodbye to all! It was a pleasure to meet you all!

MARK

I have to leave too. I am going to try a group therapy in another place. This one right here doesn´t have a psychologist who can give me… the kind of treatment I need.

DEJANUTS

It seems that is harder to be rejected by the cleaner, isn´t it?

MARK

That´s funny! It seems like I already had this conversation before! Well, goodbye to all! “Déjà ve!

DEJANUTS

 “Déjà ve” everything!

Mark leaves.

DEJANUTS

(Shakes his head negatively, annoyed)

What a mad guy!

(He yells as he opens the exit door)

It´s “déjà vu”!

Dejanuts leaves. The professor gets ready to leave and when he is turning towards the exit, Samantha opens the door and enters.

11. THE PROFESSOR AND SAMANTHA – “I NEVER TOCHED YOU”

SAMANTHA

Professor!

PROFESSOR

Samantha!

PROFESSOR AND SAMANTHA

What are you doing here?

They both laugh because of the coincidence.

PROFESSOR

I asked first!

SAMANTHA

I´m here with Jack. Do remember him? We were talking about you Sir!

PROFESSOR

A lot of coincidence… I was talking about you…

SAMANTHA

What a coincidence… Were you talking about me at the office? Wow, I feel honored… I thought you were never going to remember me!

PROFESSOR

Well, I was talking about the school classes and my students…

Samantha leaves her purse somewhere.

SAMANTHA

Students?

PROFESSOR

Students… Nothing special

SAMANTHA

(Disappointed)

Oh!

PROFESSOR

And… You?

SAMANTHA

Me? I´m all right…

PROFESSOR

No, not you… I meant to ask: what were you talking about?  Me…?

Jack comes back with two cups with water and interrupts them without intention. He walks until the center of the room. They both look at him. When he perceives who is there, he turns back and walks towards the hall pretending that he was never there.

PROFESSOR

What were you saying…?

SAMANTHA

I don´t remember!

PROFESSOR

Well… It´s good to see you…

SAMANTHA

Yeah…

Again a few moments of silence.

PROFESSOR

(Trying to break the ice and be nice)

You are still very cute!

SAMANTHA

Thank you…

PROFESSOR

Well, I think I have to leave now…

The Professor is leaving, but he is interrupted by Samantha.

SAMANTHA

Wait… I have something to tell you…

PROFESSOR

Yes?

SAMANTHA

Well I… Always… I never…

The door opens and Christine enters walking on her toes, like they weren´t there. Christine grabs something that was on the floor (a cleaning broom, for example) and then leaves, walking on her toes again, imagining that she is not bothering.

SAMANTHA

(Whispers)

Who is that crazy woman?

PROFESSOR

(Without being sure)

My psychologist…?

 They both stay looking towards the fake psychologist.

PROFESSOR

Dr. Victoria?

CHRISTINE

Ignore me, don´t pay attention to me, I am not here…

Christine leaves. They both stayed with a strange feeling, and remain in silence.

PROFESSOR

(He gets closer of Samantha)

So… What were you saying…?

SAMANTHA

I was…

A few moments of silence at the stage.

PROFESSOR

I also wanted to tell you something…

Jack comes back. He opens the door and knocks a few times to warn that he is there…

PROFESSOR

Everything all right, Jack?

Jack gets closer and shakes professor´s hand.

JACK

Hi, professor…

PROFESSOR

How are things?

JACK

Well… I just got a message from the cleaner, outside, saying that the therapist cancelled all her appointments for today. I came here to know if Samantha still needs a ride. It´s late and I have another commitment…

PROFESSOR

(He gets closer to Samantha to hug her, but he hesitates. He doesn´t have the guts to get closer)

Well, I don´t want to take more of your time… I need to leave too! Goodbye!

JACK

Goodbye!

SAMANTHA

Goodbye…

The Professor leaves. Samantha grabs her purse.

JACK

So? You talked with him? Did you take advantage? Did he try to kiss you, touch you or hug you? Anything?

SAMANTHA

Oh, no. Nothing happened… He was not… Well, I don´t know… If he wanted, he should have tried something. He must think that I´m not funny. I think I never touched his heart.

They both walk towards the hall, leaving the door open.

THE END

 © VICTOR M. SANT’ANNA – 2007

 Safe Creative #0710110119584

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